The the expat blogs

 

I spent months reading various blogs in an attempt to prepare myself for life in a foreign land. I leave America informed or at least I feel informed. My mind and thoughts would change from wanting to move to Leon Nicaragua to Chiang Mai Thailand, then from Chiang Mai to Leon. Back and forth and back and forth again. I went on reading, reading this, then reading that. Going here, then going there. The amount of research I did provided comfort in that I was prepared but my level of preparedness was an illusion of the highest order.

Let there be no doubt about the valuable information out there on travel blogs and in travel books. Information is out there about what you can expect and about what your new life is going to be like when you get to Chiang Mai or Leon. But honestly, there is no information available to properly prepare anyone for what they are about to experience, especially for me as I never needed a passport prior to Jan 2nd, 2013. I got off the plane and stepped into a reality I was completely unprepared for.

Prior to August 2012 I had no passport. Never needed one. Why would I? I love America. Why would I leave it? This was my mindset. I'm not asking you to agree with it, this is simply how I thought. I never really wanted to be too far from home. I'd cruised the Caribbean and been in Mexico scuba diving down San Carlos way. I'd spent some time in Kino Bay Mexico on the beach and in a tent with a beautiful blonde with green eyes. Good times, most of them. On numerous occasions I'd crossed the border from Nogales Arizona to Nogales Mexico for lunch or dinner. I went to Cancún, Mexico for my honeymoon with ex-wife number one.

So what. All that amounts to is diddly squat. When I got off that plane after 36 hours of travel time and having traveled half way round the world I felt alone, I felt a loneliness I'd not experienced since my arrival to prison. That seems like such a long time ago. I got off the plane and felt half crazed from sleep deprivation and exhaustion. Things look different here. Things smell different here, things sound different and taste different here. I was completely overwhelmed by how different things could be. I was in shock and that's part of what I was looking for, shock. I was up for a shock to my system. That's what drove me to come here. I was desperate for a shock to my system and putting the  accident behind me from a psychological point of view. It was time to get out of my  comfort zone.

One of the sad parts of this for me was in realizing I was having all these new and exciting experiences and no one to share them with. This thought made me feel especially alone. I felt alone in a way I could not have imagined prior to this trip. I didn't just feel alone, I was alone. I had to keep telling myself:

"You spent eight years as a marijuana trafficker and you thrived in that world. You spent six years in prison (Hell on earth) and thrived in that world. After prison you submersed yourself in the world of Computer Science and thrived in that world. Now you step off the plane into a vacation paradise the likes of which you have never seen or experienced and your concern is what? What makes you think you cannot thrive in this paradise"?

It’s almost ridiculous to worry about anything here but have your moment, experience a dose of self pity if you must but please for the sake of God don’t forget who and what you are.

(uncomfortable pause)

Reality check. Waiting for an answer.

Say it

"Everything’s going to be ok. Things are going to work out".

You damn right they are.  

Thanks for the pep talk but reality is reality. I am feeling tired. I am feeling hungry. I am feeling confused. I am feeling lonely. I am half way around the world with no friends or family in sight.

“These feelings will pass. You will feel better soon enough”

This is a time for a prayer of thanks.

“Thank you God for all you have given me".

Why am I so blessed?